Brief #30
THEATRE DEFINITIONS
ETERNITY: The time
that passes between a dropped cue and the next line.
PROP: A
hand-carried object small enough to be lost by an actor 30 seconds before it is
needed on stage.
DIRECTOR: The
megalomaniac individual who suffers from the delusion that he or she is
responsible for every moment of
brilliance cited by the critic in the local review.
BLOCKING: The art
of moving actors on the stage in such a manner as not to collide with the
walls, the furniture, the orchestra pit or each other. Similar to playing
chess, except that the pawns want to argue with you.
BLOCKING
REHEARSAL: A rehearsal taking place early in the production
schedule where actors frantically write down movements which will be nowhere in
evidence by opening night.
QUALITY
THEATER: Any show with which you were directly involved.
TURKEY: Every
show with which you were not directly involved.
DRESS
REHEARSAL: Rehearsal that becomes a whole new ball game as
actors attempt to manoeuvre among the 49 objects that the set designer added at
7:30 that evening.
TECH WEEK: The last
week of rehearsal when everything that was supposed to be done weeks before
finally comes together at the last minute; reaches its grand climax on dress
rehearsal night when costumes rip, a dimmer pack catches fire and the director
has a nervous breakdown. Also known as Hellweek.
SET: An
obstacle course which, throughout the rehearsal period, defies the laws of
physics by growing smaller week by week while continuing to occupy the same
amount of space.
MONOLOGUE:
That shining moment when all eyes are focused on a single actor who is
desperately aware that if he forgets a line, no one can save him.
DARK
NIGHT: The night before opening when no rehearsal is scheduled so the actors
and crew can go home and get some well-deserved rest, and instead spend the
night staring sleeplessly at the ceiling
because they're sure they needed one more rehearsal.
BIT PART: An
opportunity for the actor with the smallest role to count everybody else's
lines and mention repeatedly that he or she has the smallest part in the show.
GREEN
ROOM: Room shared by nervous actors waiting to go on stage and the precocious
children whose actor parents couldn't get a baby-sitter that night, a situation
which can result in justifiable homicide.
DARK SPOT: An area
of the stage which the lighting designer has inexplicably forgotten to light,
and which has a magnetic attraction for the first-time actor. A dark spot is
never evident before opening night.
HANDS: Appendages
at the end of the arms used for manipulating one's environment, except on a
stage, where they grow six times their normal size and either dangle uselessly,
fidget nervously, or try to hide in your pockets.
STAGE
MANAGER: Individual responsible for overseeing the crew, supervising
the set changes, baby-sitting the actors and putting the director in a
hammerlock to keep him from killing the actor who just decided to turn his
walk-on part into a major role by doing magic tricks while he serves the tea.
LIGHTING
DIRECTOR: (I)Individual who, from the only vantage point
offering a full view of the stage, gives the stage manager a heart attack by
announcing a play-by-play of everything that's going wrong.
OR
LIGHTING
DESIGNER: (II)One who whines, bitches, throws fits, and says
"this is the last show I'm doing here ! I swear to God!" (rinse,
repeat).
MAKEUP
KIT: (1) among experienced community theater actors, a battered tackle box
loaded with at least 10 shades of greasepaint in various stages of desiccation,
tubes of lipstick and blush, assorted pencils, bobby pins, braids of crepe
hair, liquid latex, old programs, jewelry, break-a-leg greeting cards from past
shows, brushes and a handful of half-melted cough drops; (2) for first-time
male actors, a helpless look and anything they can borrow.
THE
FOREBRAIN: The part of an actors brain which contains lines,
blocking and characterization; activated by hot lights.
THE
HINDBRAIN: The part of an actors brain that keeps up a running
subtext in the background while the forebrain is trying to act; the hindbrain
supplies a constant stream of unwanted information, such as who is sitting in
the second row tonight, a notation to seriously maim the crew member who
thought it would be funny to put real Tabasco sauce in the fake Bloody Marys,
or the fact that you need to do laundry on Sunday.
STAGE
CREW: Group of individuals who spend their evenings coping with 50-minute
stretches of total boredom interspersed with 30-second bursts of mindless
panic.
MESSAGE
PLAY: Any play which its director describes as "worthwhile,"
"a challenge to actors and audience alike," or "designed to make
the audience think." Critics will be impressed both by the daring material
and the roomy accommodations, since they're likely to have the house all to
themselves.
BEDROOM FARCE: Any play
which requires various states of undress on stage and whose set sports a lot of
doors. The lukewarm reviews, all of
which feature the phrase "typical
community theater fare" in the opening paragraph, are followed
paradoxically by a frantic attempt to schedule more performances to accommodate
the overflow crowds.
ASSISTANT
DIRECTOR: Individual willing to undertake special projects that
nobody else would take on a bet, such as working one-on-one with the brain-dead
director on whom the rest of the cast has threatened to take out a contract.
SET PIECE: Any large
piece of furniture which actors will resolutely use as a safety shield between
themselves and the audience, in an apparent attempt to both anchor themselves
to the floor, thereby avoiding floating off into space, and to keep the
audience from seeing that they actually have legs.
STRIKE: The time
immediately following the last performance while all cast and crew members are
required to stay and dismantle, or watch the two people who own Makita screw
drivers dismantle the set.
ACTORS: People who
stand between the audience and the set designer's art, blocking the view.
That's also the origin of the word "blocking," by the way.
STAGE
RIGHT, STAGE LEFT: Two simple directions actors pretend not to
understand in order to drive directors crazy.
("No, no, your OTHER stage right !")
Just
remember: It's only theatre until it offends someone . . . .
Then it's
ART!