Theatre Brief 29: What NOT To Do

Brief #29    THE ACTOR’S LESSONS of DESTRUCTION

1. Compromise your principles early and get it over with.
2. Memorize all of the songs from “Cats.”
3. Wear as much spandex as possible to the auditions.
4. Wear lots of “comedy and tragedy” accessories.
5. Take your art WAY too seriously.
6. Misquote famous passages from Shakespeare.
7. a. If a director doesn’t invite you to callbacks, assume it’s a mistake and go anyway. b. If a director doesn’t cast you, assume it’s a mistake and attend the first rehearsal.
8. When you get to callbacks, ask the director “Will this take long?”
9. No matter how many schedule conflicts you have, reply “none.” Hey, it can all be  worked out in the end.
10. Overemphasize the lines they laugh at.
11. Sigh, loudly, when things aren’t going the way you think they should.
12. Mistreat props. Lose them. Take them home with you. 
13. Tip the director (though this would never have bothered me!)
14. Repeatedly ask techies, “Will this be ready by the opening?”
15. Assume the stage manager and assistant director are there to clean up after you..
16. Stay up late power drinking before early morning calls.
17. Pause for so long in the middle of your longer speeches that no one can tell if you are finished or have just forgotten your lines.
18. Remember, although you can always be replaced, they won’t replace you until you’ve done a LOT of damage.
19. When your character isn’t talking, mug.
20. During breaks, recite other actors’ lines the way they OUGHT to be said.
21. Why be onstage when you can upstage?
22. For a touch of realism, upstage yourself.
23. Give fellow actors advice on how to do their characters.
24. Offer continued constructive suggestions to the director on how to improve the show.
25. If you can’t get a grasp of your character, just do Jack Nicholson.
26. Blocking is for amateurs.
27. Eye contact is for actors afraid to stand on their own.
28. Understudy the lead roles, even if you aren’t asked to do so. In front of the lead, ask the director to stay late to see how you’re doing with the role.
29. It’s not the quality of the role, it’s what you get to wear.
30. Wear all black and hang out in coffee houses.
31. Change your blocking on opening night.
32. Remember: frontal nudity gets you noticed faster.
33.  Use your tongue to make stage kisses look “real.”
34. Break a leg. Literally.