The Philistine Liberation Organization Conference

I wrote this over 25 years ago. So much of it is timeless (the copy and paste below is unedited from the original). I hope the sense of freedom to choose and like whatever you like comes through.

ANNOUNCING THE FIRST ANNUAL INTERNATIONAL CONVENTION OF THE PHILISTINE LIBERATION ORGANZATION

 

Three different locations are being considered to serve you better:

1. The Fantasyland Hotel at West Edmonton Mall. Largest Mall in the universe. At least it used to be. Unfortunately, the indoor Roller Coaster has been closed down for safety reasons, but they still have surfing. Giant fast-food court. Early registrants will have their choice of theme rooms. Polynesian and Roman theme rooms are the most popular, but check out those 1950s theme rooms - the beds are in the backs of pickup trucks!

 

2. Wall Drug, Wall, South Dakota. You can't miss it. There are signs everywhere.

3. The Old Bavarian Inn, Frankenmuth, Michigan. With regular buses to Bronner's "We sell 57 quadzillion Christmas ornaments to tourists every year." Chicken dinners available 24hrs/day.

 

TENTATIVE SCHEDULE OF EVENTS

 

Opening dinner:

Kraft dinner gussied up with ground beef and Hamburger Helper 
canned peas
lettuce wedges with Kraft dressing
Sara Lee pound cake

 Invited after-dinner speaker (I said "invited"; I didn't say he'd come):

Dave Barry, "Should the plastic covers be left on new furniture?"

Get-acquainted Dance: complete with "Hello, my name is _________" name tags. Music provided by Lawrence Welk videos.

 

* * * DAY I * * *
	Breakfast: Eggs "Benedict" from McDonalds, coffee, juice, hashbrowns

 Morning Session I: Plastics

• "A Sociometric Investigation into Tupperware Use by High Income vs. Low Income Households"
• "The Pluses and Minuses of Clear vs. Colour-Changing zip-lock Sandwich Bags vs. Foldtop Bags"
• "Making a Chandelier with Clear Plastic Wine Glasses"
• "Plastic trees - can we replace the rain forest?"

 Morning Session II: Music

• "The Sound of Music: Best Musical Ever Made?"
• "Andy Williams and Neil Diamond, their Similarities and Differences"
• "Perceptions of Existence in the Music of Manilow"
• "Is Vivaldi the New Muzak? Is snobbery creeping into the PLO?"

 

Lunch: A smorgasborg of fast foods  [Whoppers, Big Macs, tacos, fries, shakes, soft drinks] Registrants caught with Lattes or croissants will be expelled.

 

 Afternoon Session I: Textiles and Fabrics

• "Velcro and Speed-lacing: the results of timed trials, by age and sex groups"
• "Wrinkle-proofing: buying the right fabric can save hours of work later"
• "Spandex, the fabric that lets your wardrobe grow with you"

 Afternoon Session II: The Philistine Philosophy

• "Philistine and Macho: The Crucial Differences"
• "The Boycott of National Public Radio: a Progress Report"
• "If modern artists had to rely on individual rather than state patronage, could middle america bear to watch them starve to death?"

Dinner: Pizza comparisons from local establishments. Timed Trials of their delivery services. Grease measurements. The convenience factor debated.

 Invited After Dinner Panel: Philistine Reviews

Joe-Bob Briggs - the social relevance of drive-in movies
Ian Klymchuk - low-brow put-downs of high-brow events

Sock Hop: Ballroom I, featuring tapes and disks of sound-alike artists from the 50s or Polkas: Ballroom II, featuring battling accordions with non-stop music

 

* * * DAY II * * *

 Breakfast:

• Cold, leftover pizza.
• Coke and Pepsi Floats.
• Jolt Cola available upon request.

Morning Session I: What is art?

• "Selecting pictures to match the decor of your home"
• "Learning which way to hang that modern art(ist)"
• "Has there been art since the 18th century?"
• "Abstract Art: could we really do better with a child's painting set, a dog and a Poulan Chainsaw?"

Morning Session II: Wardrobes

• "Polka Dots - Bigger is Better"
• "Leisure suits - the comeback apparel for the new millennium"
• "Creative Uses of Plaids, Colours, and Stripes: Personality Profiles and Personal Statements"

Lunch: Creativity with tuna: tuna casseroles; tuna melts; tuna rolls; tuna-Dorito crunch; and the classic, tuna with lime jello.

 Afternoon Session I: Literature for Philistines

• "If Modern Writers are so good, why can't they write in complete sentences?"
• "Eschatology in Harlequin novels"
• "Poetry: the advantages of rhyming"

 Afternoon Session II: Entertainment and the Media

• "Rescue 911: required viewing for schoolchildren?"
• "Filling the Void - the Demise of Network Television"
• "Headline News: Should It Be Shortened to Ten or Fifteen Minute Segments?"
• "Masterpiece Theatre: Where's the Beef?"

 Closing Panel: Philistines and Food

• "Avoiding Sugar Letdowns by Popping M&Ms at Regular Intervals"
• "Chips: regular, reconstituted, and flavoured. Taste Tests"
• "No Alcohol, Schmo Alcohol - Drink Real Beer and Call a Cab"
• "The Poisons Lurking in Natural Spring Waters"
• "Cholesterol Is Your Friend: New Evidence from New England"

Registration:

 To register, return this form by Feb 31, along with a cheque for $275, to

PLO Headquarters Box 159 SSC London, Ontario CANADA N6A 5C2

Hotel and Greyhound Bus information will be mailed two weeks after the receipt of your cheque.